September 14, 2010
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Making Amends
I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a co-worker…and other things I’ve forgotten or omitted. I have not always made great decisions, and the repercussions of those decisions not only effected me, but others whom I care about a great deal. I can honestly say I did not deliberately set out to hurt anyone in my journey on this planet. Sometimes the fallout from those bad decisions were like scattered shrapnel that wounded my loved ones and left them bleeding; sometimes I was so wrapped up in my own mess that I didn’t see it and didn’t help. Okay, probably a lot of times, maybe even most times.
I know that just saying, “Hey, I am really sorry, let’s just move on,” is not enough. I also know that there is no amount of money that could be paid in restitution for someone’s pain and suffering. I know there is no way to get back the past and do it over. That’s the bitch part…because there would be many things I would go back and change about myself and my decisions, to avoid pain in my life and the hurt caused to others.
Having walked on this planet for nearly 46 years I can tell you that I have had my share of disappointments (read: excruciatingly painful emotional, mental, physical issues) with others and can truly appreciate others being disappointed (read: having excruciatingly painful emotional, mental, physical issues) with me. We each have our own process of working through relationship struggles and there is no set time frame for that work to be completed. We can only hope that those who see us as having been an instrument of hurt or great pain in their lives will find it in their hearts to forgive us and move past the pain and into healing and wholeness. I know it is possible, I have done it myself. We can also hope that the hurt party will realize that no amount of hurting the person whom you’ve been hurt by will make up for the pain you feel.
All any of us has is this very moment. We are shaped by our experiences of the past. We gain wisdom from those experiences, but not by that alone: the greatest wisdom comes from learning to forgive and love and acknowledge that we are all flawed and imperfect. Forgiving ourselves is not enough until the other person comes to terms with their struggle to forgive, but sometimes forgiving ourselves is the hardest part.
Have you ever had to make amends to someone you have hurt? How did you go about doing it? What have you learned about yourself or others in the process?
Comments (18)
I like how you have 13 views and NO comments on this one.. lol It’s tough. I upset one of our pastors at our new church recently and he isnt talking to me, like.. at all. He avoids me it’s almost funny and I know I need to make it right somehow but I also know if I go up to him he’s going to act like he’s cool, nothings wrong whatever. I dont know how to make amends with him. I want to just leave it alone and be like hey, if YOU want to carry that burden on yourself you have fun with that but I’m not kissing his ass.. at the same time, I dont want that avoidance either. I dont know. It’s a tough one. No wonder you got views and no comments bwahahah
@MomGoneMadd - LOL, I knew it would be a tough one! I noticed the views and lack of comments myself, ha!
Making amends is not an easy thing, and the other person has to be willing to accept it…or maybe not…we can only do what we are able, and we can’t force others to forgive. Maybe just getting it off of our shoulders is enough…we do what we know we should and put the ball in the other person’s court, perhaps?
@CynaraJane - I apologized profusely when I knew he was offended and he still continues to avoid me .. like, he practically jumps over chairs to NOT have to make eye contact with me, it’s funny.. but whatever. It’s kind of on him. I still love that church and will still go there.. it’s so much bigger than him and his issues so he can stay mad for all I care..
@MomGoneMadd - Yeah, I’d say your duty is done. It’s a shame some people (especially a PASTOR?!?!) can’t learn to get over it, and themselves. This isn’t the pastor that wanted to socialize with you and Mr. Shann, is it?
@CynaraJane - NO he’s totally cool.. it’s the “head” pastor . Remember I had mentioned that he wrote on fb the day they over turned the ban on gay marriage here in CA that he said he was going to do the marriage of Rene and Steve.. and I asked him IN A PRIVATE MESSAGE if Rene and Steve were a man and a woman? He lost his shit and was like “you’re kidding me right”? well no? It was the hot topic of the day, Rene and Steve could very well be two men for all I know.. It was an innocent question and I asked it in private and he got offended apparently.. Whatevs.. lol
@MomGoneMadd - I remember that…wow, he needs to chill! Sounds like he has absolutely no sense of humor, either. Must be tough to be him. I feel sorry for him.
@CynaraJane - Yeah I totally like the other pastor better anyway.
Everything we have walked through, good or bad, helps to make us who we are today at this very moment. What we do, or don’t do today, help us become tomorrow.
great post.
e@grannyinboxers - Wow.you said,I will second it!
Lisa knows my flaws and I know some of your and we can love one another past them.That is love.
truly touching post … when we forgive ourselves we can begin anew …
…………. because there would be many things I would go back and change about myself and my decisions, to avoid pain in my life and the hurt caused to others.
I have thought about this one a lot lately and have come to the conclusion that most of those things that I wish were different are part of what made me the person I am. Changing them may have alleviated some of the pain, but would my life be better????? Or in the words of Garth Brooks “….I could have missed the pain But I’d of had to miss the dance…”
Case in point …. after losing my father this spring, I experienced some guilt for wandering off to Las Vegas and being so far away these last 20 years. But then, if I hadn’t come west, I would not have the twins in my life and that I would never change.
I have come to realize that life is not a destination …… it is a journey. A journey full of wrong turns and obstacles to overcome. It is the journey, not the destination, that defines us.
sorry I got so long winded. Enjoy the journey/dance as much as possible.
@Alive_in_Vegas - “….I could have missed the pain But I’d of had to miss the dance…” True, that. It’s just difficult looking back sometimes and thinking, “If only I hadn’t/had …” There is the guilt issue that plays into it. I wouldn’t want a world where I didn’t have my children, and frankly you are right – - if some of the decisions I made were different, a couple of them wouldn’t be here. None of us get out of here unscathed, huh?
@grannyinboxers - Thank you! =)
@seedsower - And whoever said love means never having to say you’re sorry was wrong. I love you, Beth! I am glad you are who you are, and I am glad neither one of us is perfect because that would be absolutely no fun at all.
@windupherskirt - Thanks!
personally, after however many years i have been alive, i have learned when i fuck up, i simply own up to it. i say “im sorry” and i go on. i dont have the desire to carry hate or anger anymore. it never was a good look for me anyway.
i unloaded some vile venom on someone once, and they actually deserved it. i regretted it almost immediately, and apologized. anger just gets in the way of my peace.
I can tell that our conversation the other day inspired this post, thank you. I cried all the way through it. I love you, I do… I’m having a lot of trouble coming to terms with a lot of hurt, it’s not that I can’t or haven’t forgiven you… I just can still feel all the pain when I think about the past, I see things or hear things and it will remind me, when I remember I still feel the hurt like I am still going through it but I know it’s over, I feel stuck.
It means a lot to me to read what you’ve written, I know you are sorry and you regret the bad decisions you’ve made… That for me is enough to forgive you… and I have.
I still have horrible nightmares, I have them all the time… I don’t know how to come to terms with what’s been taken from me, what I’ve been cheated out of… I don’t think I have ever really coped with anything, now that everything is over I feel like I have shifted from survival mode and I don’t know what to do with myself.
I read some of this yesterday but I must’ve gotten distracted, cause I didn’t comment and I don’t remember that last little part… lol.
I try to make amends. I’ve screwed up pretty badly with my oldest son. He’s 21. I’ve explained my thinking at the time, although now it seems ridiculous, at the time it was what I thought was best… I’ve told him I love him, that I always kept track of what he was doing, I’ve apologized a thousand times…. I’ve showed steady interest now, I’ve attended a gig where he played…. idk… I think I’ve done everything I need to do, everything I should do to try and make it right… but he’s resistant still…so now I feel like I’ve done what I need to and when he’s ready, he’ll come around. I accept that.
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