I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a sister, an aunt, a co-worker…and other things I’ve forgotten or omitted. I have not always made great decisions, and the repercussions of those decisions not only effected me, but others whom I care about a great deal. I can honestly say I did not deliberately set out to hurt anyone in my journey on this planet. Sometimes the fallout from those bad decisions were like scattered shrapnel that wounded my loved ones and left them bleeding; sometimes I was so wrapped up in my own mess that I didn’t see it and didn’t help. Okay, probably a lot of times, maybe even most times.

I know that just saying, “Hey, I am really sorry, let’s just move on,” is not enough. I also know that there is no amount of money that could be paid in restitution for someone’s pain and suffering. I know there is no way to get back the past and do it over. That’s the bitch part…because there would be many things I would go back and change about myself and my decisions, to avoid pain in my life and the hurt caused to others.

Having walked on this planet for nearly 46 years I can tell you that I have had my share of disappointments (read: excruciatingly painful emotional, mental, physical issues) with others and can truly appreciate others being disappointed (read: having excruciatingly painful emotional, mental, physical issues) with me. We each have our own process of working through relationship struggles and there is no set time frame for that work to be completed. We can only hope that those who see us as having been an instrument of hurt or great pain in their lives will find it in their hearts to forgive us and move past the pain and into healing and wholeness. I know it is possible, I have done it myself. We can also hope that the hurt party will realize that no amount of hurting the person whom you’ve been hurt by will make up for the pain you feel.

All any of us has is this very moment. We are shaped by our experiences of the past. We gain wisdom from those experiences, but not by that alone: the greatest wisdom comes from learning to forgive and love and acknowledge that we are all flawed and imperfect. Forgiving ourselves is not enough until the other person comes to terms with their struggle to forgive, but sometimes forgiving ourselves is the hardest part.

Have you ever had to make amends to someone you have hurt? How did you go about doing it? What have you learned about yourself or others in the process?

That is how the doctor described my mom after all she’s been through, and her determination to suffer through all the pain in order to save as much of her leg as possible.

The surgery went better than the doctor could have hoped. He was able to find a good vein and good attachment sites. There is good blood flow through the graft. Here is a diagram of the fem-pop bypass:

The doc went a bit above where they went in before, and a little below where he attached the graft in the previous surgery.

Now it is a wait and see type of thing…waiting to see exactly how much of her leg can be saved and how much will be amputated. She’s in ICU at the moment, not due to any complications, but because of all of the issues she’s had in the past. “Better safe than sorry,” is the way the doctor expressed his reasoning for putting her in ICU. It was a good decision. I haven’t seen her yet, and because the visiting hours for ICU are tight, I may not see her until tomorrow after work. Her husband is at the hospital, but they won’t let him stay very long, either. That part sucks because she is very frightened of being alone, without family. Like I’ve said before, we do what we can…sometimes we are just able to do what we are allowed.

So this was the reason why I worked 7 days in row, so I could have today off for my mom’s surgery. I work the next 4 days, with Sunday off. I am looking forward to it. Hopefully all stays calm and I can get a little bit of rest. I almost feel badly for feeling tired, and having an aching back and feet; knowing what kind of pain my mother is in I feel I shouldn’t complain.

So right now I am at the hospital, blogging from my daughter’s laptop. My mom is having a “fem-pop” bypass, a re-do as the one they attempted several months ago failed and became infected.

“Fem-pop” sounds like a new type of music, but it actually refers to the area of the leg where the bypass is being done…short for Femoropopliteal.

When she arrived one of the tests they did was swab her nose. It came back from the lab as being positive for MRSA. It just means she’s a carrier now, and they have to use extra precautions patient to patient. It was no doubt one of the nasties she’s picked up along the way in her many long hospital stays. It freaked her out when they told her…she was worried that that meant her hospital stay would be much longer than normal for this surgery. The nurse tried to assure her that this was not the case, but the vascular dementia does not allow for much reasoning. They gave her a narcotic for some pain she was having pre-surgery. At least that seemed to help and calm her down a bit.

We’ve got probably a couple more hours to wait before she’s out of surgery. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Accepting all prayers and positive energy…TIA!

Tomorrow will be my 6th day in a row working. I haven’t seen the schedule for next week but it is conceivable that I will work Monday (Labor Day, no holiday pay), making it seven days in a row. My mother is having another bypass surgery on Tuesday, and I’ve requested off. Doesn’t make for a great day off, but I want to be there.

I am still very glad to be working, but man am I tired. Came home exhausted yesterday and took a nap, and even got to bed on time last night. That is nearly unheard of for me after I have napped, usually I can’t get to sleep after that at night.

I just have no clue when I’ll have time to post again this coming week. I have several floating around in my head I’d like to do, just no time at the moment.

So, that’s where I am at, just wanted to fill you in and let you know I haven’t gone anywhere.

…it’s probably going to be really bad!

My stepfather’s name was Earl…well, the man my mom was married to when I was a little girl. It was interesting to see the headline on the news, “East Coast Evacuation Looms If Monster Earl Gets Close.” The stepfather, Earl, was a monster. If this storm lives up to it’s name it could be a nasty one! I wrote about it in a 6 part series of posts some time back that features “Monster Earl.” Check out the story, if you are so inclined:

Florida:
Alligators Aren’t So Bad
Part 1 2 3 4 5 6